Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Q is for Queer

Even people who’ve never read the Bible know Sodom and Gomorrah were two  ancient towns that God zapped for doing some very naughty things. The word “sodomy” has come to refer to any sexual act that cannot lead to pregnancy—especially “queer” sexual acts involving people of the same sex.

What the Bible says happened way back when in downtown Sodom is very unusual. It seems that Lot, a well-known townie, was playing host to a pair of  angels who were in Sodom for a visit. These angels must have been extremely good-looking because all the local male sex maniacs (described as “all the people” in Genesis—which makes a habit of  ignoring women and children whenever it can) surrounded Lot’s house and made a big commotion demanding the angels come outside for some hot action. (Wanting to “know” them in Bible-speak.)

This was so embarrassing and so deeply offensive to Lot that he decided to offer up his two virginal daughters to the queer rioters, hoping they would accept them as substitutes for the angels. But those filthy degenerates didn’t want young girls. They wanted the real thing—gorgeous male angels. They turned Lot’s offer down flat. Keep your virgins! Send out the angels! We want angels!

Needless to say, both angels were  male—female angels never appear in the Bible—so what we have here is an overt, highly-public, in-your-face clamor for homosexual activity. History’s first recorded Gay Riot.

The scene in Lot’s front yard convinced God that He was on the right track when He seriously considered zapping Sodom and Gomorrah a bit earlier. God had promised Abraham that He would spare Sodom if ten innocent people could be found in the entire town. But Sodom came up short. (One presumes women and children didn’t count, otherwise making it to ten would have been very easy.) When the angels did their investigation, they discovered that Lot and his family were the only decent folks living in Sodom. The entire family were ordered to leave town, pronto. But, despite God’s explicit warning not to look back, Lot’s wife stole a quick, nostalgic glance back at Sodom and was immediately turned into a pillar of salt. That’ll show you to trifle with God, you mere nameless woman!

Then God destroyed Sodom and nearby Gomorrah which was equally wicked.

This raises some peculiar questions:

(1) At one point, defending Lot, the angels strike some of the nearest perverts blind. Oddly, this seems not to have had any deterrent effect, since the others kept up their raucous demands. Why not simply blind the whole gang? Or, why didn’t the angels simply step outside and beat the shit out of the queers? Are angels sissies? Or are they simply agents provocateur?

(2) Is Lot so obtuse that he can’t figure out that the people out front are a gang of homosexuals who want men not women? How can Lot be this clueless about the gay lifestyle? Remember, everyone in Old Sodom except his own family is as queer as a three-dollar bill. Proportionately more gays than Cherry Grove in high summer, and Lot doesn’t know what the guys out front are after? He has to be a low grade moron!

(3) Why would Lot offer his sweet, young, virginal daughters, to a gang of sex maniacs out in the street, regardless of their sexual orientation. Has Lot lost his mind? Or did his horny daughters volunteer to go outside and participate in an orgy? And if they didn’t, why is Lot so eager to offer them up? Does he plan to ogle the action from his front window? Why don’t the angels intervene to save the girls? Or are they just passive hunks of male beefcake dangling from God’s hook to entice the local pervs?

(4) Why does God always go in for excessive overkill? Surely, besides all the male sex maniacs, Sodom and Gomorrah must have had some decent womenfolk and lots of innocent children. But all of them get zapped too! What did they do to deserve this fate? This is much worse than guilt by association—it’s guilt by proximity. What’s known as “collateral damage” by the bully boys in the Pentagon.

(5) Finally, consider the case of the nameless Mrs. Lot: Her day was already ruined when God decides she needs one more calamity to even the score. First, these other-worldly beautiful angels drop in unexpectedly. Second, there’s a Gay Sex Riot out on the front lawn while she’s trying to fix dinner. Third, to cool off the rioters, her wacko husband offers up their daughters for a street orgy. Fourth, the whole family has to leave town in a hurry without so much as saying good-bye to the neighbors or packing up their stuff. Then, after all this, Mrs. Lot takes one itsy-bitsy peek over her shoulder, for which she’s turned into a pillar of salt. One suspects this is not a reversible condition. Tough luck lady! Now the idiotic Lot may very well deserve to lose his wife as a punishment. But what about the poor daughters—they need their mother to protect them from their nitwit father. The proof: The next thing the girls do is get their Old Man drunk and taking turns having sex with him. And he manages to get both of them pregnant on the first try! Nothing like a little Divinely Assisted Incest to carry on the family name. One wonders what Mrs. Lot would have said. Maybe that explains why she had to be pillarized.

(6) Why doesn’t God simply zap the queer sex maniacs surrounding the house? Or, at the very least, order his angels to go out front and beat the crap out of them? Either action would have ended the entire incident. All the innocent women and children of Sodom and Gomorrah would have been spared. Furthermore, Lot would not have made a complete fool of himself. Nor would he have lost his wife. He might not have been tricked into engaging in incest either. If you’re God, and you’re going to intervene eventually, why not do so in a timely and effective manner so as to do the least possible harm? Unlike us mortals, God is supposed to be able to see around the next corner. He had to have known from the get-go Very Bad Stuff was going to happen that day in Sodom.

(7) Clearly, the Sodom and Gomorrah story is crudely contrived. In it God—a fictional character in a Very Old Book—zaps two towns, thus making a very strong and unforgettable statement against male homosexuality. Or, at the very least, against sex between men and male angels. The men who wrote the Bible obviously believed that homosexuality was an extremely depraved choice—an abomination, if you will. But, even if homosexuality is a choice, do those who exercise this choice deserve the death penalty? Aren’t sexually transmitted diseases, social ostracism and being called “queer” sufficient punishment?

(8) And finally, what about Gomorrah—the guilt-by-proximity town? What went on there? Just more garden variety sodomy or something really unspeakable—something that even the authors of the Bible hesitated to mention. Maybe it was sex with critters. We know it couldn’t have been father-daughter incest—under the right circumstances, God thinks that’s okay.

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