Tuesday, October 25, 2011

X is for X-Rated

If America’s ministers, priests and rabbis are right, there’s one thing we can be sure about: God hates pornography. And he doesn’t care much for sex either, except for the making of babies. Catholics have long regarded “recreational” sex as sinful. And then there’s sodomy: Any sexual act that cannot possibly result in a fertilized egg. Anal and oral sex are clearly out of bounds. Male masturbation, if it leads to ejaculation, is just as sinful because it wastes perfectly good sperm that could be deposited in someone’s vagina leading to fertilization. Sperm is for fertilization, not for fun. After all, why did God give us the power to make sperm? Certainly not for depositing it willy-nilly in or on just any old place. It has only one Proper Destination, and we all know what this is.

Female masturbation is condemned equally, but what exactly does it waste? No eggs are ejaculated. The female sex drive is not thereby blunted. For all the men who run the Roman Church know, masturbation might even make women (and here we speak only of married women, of course) more receptive to the kind of sex God likes. Penetration tops masturbation but only if it makes use of the proper orifice. Obviously ejaculation into any male orifice is wrong. And by wrong, the religious don’t mean badly aimed. They mean diabolical. Evil. Perverse. Abominable.

Let’s make it a bit more complicated: Suppose one partner is a married couple is sterile. They know they don’t need a condom to prevent pregnancy. They also know they can’t possibly produce a baby. Hence, all their sexual acts are purely recreational. Is it okay for them to have sex? Believe it or not, the standard, God-inspired, Catholic answer is Yes. (Unless one of them became sterilized by choice. Had a vasectomy, perhaps.) And why is it okay for them? Because God might perform a miracle and let them make a baby even when modern medicine (a mere human science after all) says it can’t happen. Here’s this happy sterile couple, screwing the night away, and it’s all A-okay!

But one asks, if God can provide a sterile father and/or mother with a miracle baby, why can’t He also give one to a condom wearing sinner? If sterility is no barrier to the Divine Will, what chance does a thin rubber membrane have? Once you’re in the realm of the miraculous, anything can happen. Let us not for a moment forget the Virgin Birth of Jesus.

If God can make a baby grow in the womb of a virgin, He can certainly divert a sperm or two from any of her bodily orifices to fertilize a waiting egg.

Perish the thought.

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